ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
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[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
I hope Alan is OK
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-