zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
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12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.