I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
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I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
the chicken was already gone when I got here
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.