“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
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When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.