What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
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One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”