“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
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Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
Huge, if true.
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.