I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
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[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
unbelievably distressed by this ad
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.