He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
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[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
This is so me 😂😂
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.