Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
You Might Also Like
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
umm…
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.