She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
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Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
Eggs benadryl my favourite
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now