Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
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I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
“i miss shittin on people”
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.