“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
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A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
Dammit Chief not again
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic