My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
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Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.