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Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..