Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
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Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich