Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
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When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
i’m eating chili cheese fries past 7 pm like i’m not someone who pulled a back muscle on the toilet reaching for the toilet paper roll.
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie