TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
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what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
How I’d get arrested…