No parenting book prepares you to answer the question, “Does Lightning McQueen have car insurance or life insurance?”
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My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.