A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
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“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else