God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
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the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
old people like to golf every day because they are so sick of everyone’s shit and just wanna repeatedly whack something
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
In the 1970s my father stole a piece of an Irish castle. Mum was horrified and hid the column under the bed. Forty years later, to the great pleasure of the castle museum curator, she returned it. After she died, we found pictures showing she returned it to the wrong castle.
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter