[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
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My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
this is the best day of my life
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.