Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
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This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
I have so many questions.
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?