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I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
#Caturday
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?