Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
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Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene