I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
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one last job
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.