[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
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The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
#SuperBowl
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
I triple waxed for this?
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio