Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
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[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”