him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
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I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings