My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
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I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat