The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
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*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious