Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
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Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
Delightful if true: booby trap.
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
Scream sneezers need love too.
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.