Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
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My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
Happy thanksgiving!
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.