<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.
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After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
I’m dying louder than usual today.
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…