[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
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CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
the three genders
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
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“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.