WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
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My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
Breaking news:
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
I only look at Wordle for the articles
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)