A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
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When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
I told my vodka about you.
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!