[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
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Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.