“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
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I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
The news is so predictable nowadays
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
Breaking news:
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.