Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
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My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.