[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
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Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
definitely did not do anything wrong
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
[my wife wants an expensive audi]
ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each
HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?
ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each
[an hour later]
ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each
To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.
I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.