ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
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Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
Ok who’s got my black socks?
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
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Expectations vs. Reality
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab