The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
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Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.