I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
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My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
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Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
put ‘er there pardner!
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door