Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
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Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.