him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
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I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
when revenge coincides with naptime
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.