Ffs laughed out loud 😂
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[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
Always get worried when I see a “thieves operate here” sign. Who is letting thieves do surgery?
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.