What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
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I like how people say “travel safely” like I’m the one flying the plane.
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
Me: how are you
Friday: good
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what