I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
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Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.