I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
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*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”