She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
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I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone
ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?
ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.